Maria Adell

[this post is my part of the story, Mimi's story is all posted on her IG]

Many years ago, before Jacob and I were married, we discussed having kids. He knew that I had a lot of anxiety surrounding the topic. I was afraid of miscarriage, and pregnancy, and being sick, and delivery, and postpartum healing, and nursing, and mastitis, and thrush, and PPD and pretty much all of it. We agreed that it would just need to be before he turned 30 (which was 4 years down the road from the conversation). 

As the years went on my fears didn't dissipate and about a year and a half before his 30th birthday he started bring it up more frequently and for a time, I was so anxious I couldn't even talk about it. But slowly I came around and I made the realization that "it's all just life". (and one that's not so healthy, but helped get me there:) "the sooner you start, the sooner you get it over with and the younger you are"

Starting in September 2019 I told him we could start fake trying, meaning we aren't being careful, but I knew we were still avoiding certain dates. Each month I was less careful about avoiding the dates and sure enough, first try on the dates in December and....

PREGNANCY

On January 16, 2021 I had a positive pregnancy test. 

I had taken one a few days before because I was feeling weird, I was extra hormonal and angry at Jacob, but that one came back negative. The box said you can take it as early as 6 days before your missed period, so I did, but it was negative. I said if after Sunday (when my period should have started) I hadn't had a period I would take another. On Saturday we were getting ready to go play tennis and I was feeling weird, my boobs were so sore and big, and Jacob was like, just go take it so we can know and get over it. Sure enough... there it was! two little lines.

We knew pretty early on that it would be a girl. Weird little 6th sense or something. And the pregnancy went pretty smoothly. I was sick from about 6 or 7 weeks until 22 weeks. And then like a light switch it was off. I took zofran occasionally but didn't like it for whatever reason, but religiously took a unisom and b6 every night (which was a lifesaver) and made it through. The last 10 or so weeks were so hard though because people kept telling me the nausea would for sure be gone by 10 weeks, if not by 13. I live off of expectations, so I was counting on it, and was really disappointed and well... sick. haha

After that point I was great! I had a groin pain which was like my bursitis from high school, but with the exception to that, the rest of the pregnancy was pretty smooth sailing!

DELIVERY

I was supposed go in at 11 on the 21st, but they called early and said to wait. Then they called at 11:45 and said to come in, but as we were walking out the door the called and said they had 3 mamas who showed up that needed to be admitted... 🙄😩🤷🏽‍♀️ so we played the waiting game for a few hours, we had already ordered lunch so we went into town to eat and swung by the hospital to ask what they time line looks like now. This was around 1-2 in the afternoon and they said they’d call in a few hours with an update. 

By around 8 PM we hadn’t heard from them and finally decided to call and ask. They said they thought they might be able to get me in before midnight, but if not they would just give me a call whenever they are available, and if they don't call, plan to go in at 5am!

I didn’t get a call, so 4:30 AM we left the house! The first 2 nurses were there with me for just the first hour and got the IV started. I psyched myself out so much for the IV that after she switched the tourniquet arm I lost my breakfast… Dr. Lunt came in shortly after we started the fluids and antibiotics and I was at a 1 and 70% effaced. He inserted a cervical balloon (which they said would hurt more than a cervical check, but definitely didn’t). Also, he didn’t tell me, but after reading my note he also stripped my membranes before inserting the balloon (so that’s probably what hurt so bad). 

By 10 AM I was still feeling pretty good! Getting up to go to the bathroom was a real pain with the balloon strings hanging down hah, but it was okay. My sweet nurse Erin brought me snacks to eat because she heard I puke my guts out. And by around 11 or 12 we decided I should probably stop. 

At 11 AM I was dilated to a 4 and the balloon came out and I was 80% effaced. Around 12/12:30 I got the epidural, although I wasn’t really feeling that much pain. I was about half way there and it felt very manageable, but they encouraged me to get it then because Dr. Lunt was back at the hospital for another delivery and it was time to break my water and things usually pick up in intensity when the water breaks. 

Things were progressing quickly! By 4:19 I was dilated to a 6 and just 30 minutes later at 4:49 I was dilated to a 7 fully effaced. An hour later at 5:50 we started pushing! Honestly, I had no idea what I was doing, but it worked out and at 7:54 our little miracle was born! She weighed 7 lbs 9 oz. and was 20.5 inches long! The first thing I noticed about her was she has my nose! My grandma's nose! It's THE nose! I've never been more proud. 

POSTPARTUM

After that it all went pretty smoothly! Healing was no fun, peeing my pants in the hospital was no fun, pain while peeing, or sitting was so fun, but it was so much less and so much more manageable than I anticipated. And it's amazing how great I felt after a shower! It was crazy to touch my stomach and have it not be huge. It was crazy breastfeeding, and was a struggle from the beginning (3 months later, it still is). But we're working through it. 

At first I didn't want to leave the hospital, I liked having someone else check on her to make sure she was doing well, and I was so worried I would somehow not be able to, but as soon a we started cleaning up I was ready to go and knew I had a slew of people ready to help. 

Once we were home the Dr told us her biliruben numbers were too high (we had to go get her pricked quite a few times) and she had to sit under the lights for 3.5 days. And I thought I was going to die when I heard. I thought it would be the worst thing in the world and that was sick and I don't know what else, but I was inconsolable. BUT As soon as we put her under the lights she was so happy, so I was able to chill.

By 3 or 4 weeks I had completely stopped bleeding but really after a week there wasn't much blood. Tucks pads and the spray were my best friends for 10 or so weeks. Even after I was completely healed my estrogen production was so low that it was very dry down there so chaffing was a real issue. *eye roll + shrug* and I say was.... still is. 

Emotionally at my 6 week appointment I was still on cloud nine. No major problems other than latching which I was still determined to figure out. 

A few weeks later though I started to struggle emotionally. The weight of Jacob being so busy again and being alone set in. The weight of not knowing what to do with her all day every day set it. The weight of her not latching set in. The weight of wanting to go to work without her and not being able to set in. The stress of her crying during private rehearsals set in. The weight of clothes still not fitting (and actually having gained more weight) set in. The weight of my own emotional past and baggage set in. The weight of people offing to come see me and stay and help then not be able to. (and it wasn't necessarily that they couldn't come, it's that they kept offering, then not coming.. like just don't offer) I found myself furious at all the little things and at times completely apathetic.

And I was really heavy. 

A few weeks ago I finally admitted to myself that this is probably more than just being a little blue. I'm still battling if I should talk to someone (which I get I probably should). But I said the same thing about my anxiety, and I'm doing pretty good on that front. I think the biggest thing for me, as it was with my anxiety, is identifying what it is that causing the intensity, or at times lack, of emotion and work through it. And I guess that's what therapy is, so we'll see how the next bit goes. 

Overall, I realize that I had expectations based on the average of the stories I heard. I knew I likely wouldn't have the easiest of the stories, nor the hardest of them. But I had too many expectations, not that they were too high or low, just that they were not accurate. Another important thing I realized. You don't change in an instant when you become a mom. I hear that all of the time and it's a bunch of crap, at least in my case. I wasn't suddenly transformed when she was born. I still wanted the same things, I still disliked the same things, The same things still made me happy or mad. I had the same amount of patience as before. It's the birth isn't what changed me like everyone said it would, rather her life is. I have had to make changes to my because of her own self and person and spark, not that I was changed instantly because she was birthed.

[I'm still so bugged at the hundreds of people who when I told them I didn't like babies told me I would love my own. Well of course I love the human who is my child, but I still don't like babies. Don't tell me I'll suddenly like babies just because I have one, that doesn't make sense. I also hate that it's perfectly acceptable for dads to dislike babies but not moms, moms will love the baby because... ??? Anyways... ]

I've realized that a lot of my stress is coming from trying to keep doing the things I could do before Mimi as effortlessly as I could before. And that's just not the case. Life has shifted and I have to now shift with them. And that is hard, and it is lovely.