the silver lining
December 11, 2015
Two and a half years ago I wrote this post, just days before I left on my mission. I was too scared to post it then, but reading it I realized I'm not that girl, and how much and how little I changed on my mission. I overcame these specific fears, but the underlying reason for the fear, I fear, is still there. So there is another my fears post, that maybe I'll get the courage to post in 2.5 years.. maybe not. but here it is. A tiny glimpse into me.
July 26, 2013
So my friend jocelyn and i just watched the movie called chasing mavericks. and well the whole thing is so happy and then and the end he dies which is sad but not the point. the whole show is about growth. how this little 15 year old can grow into a man to ride the Mavericks {gnarly waves}. and one of the very last things he has to do is put all his fears on paper. the real ones. Not just the ones we all hide behind. So, I thought that since I am about to face my first Maverick in life, which will be my mission, I thought I would put a little list. And I'm sure you will be able to relate.
I am terrified I won't live up to expectations. Having my brother go before me has been such a great example. But at the same time I have always been in his shadow with him being the only boy. He is the Clearwater Missionary, and I am Hermana Clearwater. And I am so grateful that I have the opportunity to be that. I will learn so much, and I hope with all of my heart that I can help my Chilean family. But I guess I am just afraid I won't live up to my families expectations. But I guess that doesn't matter. Cause I am going to go and give everything I have. And my Father in Heaven will know that's exactly what I did.
I am terrified to give all that I have and am. I have always been a bit of a slacker. I always want to give my best work but when it comes down to it, talking or thinking things through looks a lot easier then stopping and getting to work, and I have spent my fair share of hours thinking if I should or shouldn't, and I have lost out on so many opportunities. And so I have never really given all of my self to anything. I have always allowed myself to be distracted because... well... I don't really know why yet. because life isn't easier that way, maybe it's just in my head that it will be. But I am terrified to give that little distracting voice a break for 18 months and give it to the Lord. Let him fill me mind instead.
I am a little bit scared of the Truths I will find. Because the more truth you find, and the closer you come to Christ, the scarier it is to be in this world, and the harder it is to deal with being a young adult surrounded by so much wrong. Because I am human and I have my many flaws I realize that the more truths I find, the harder it is for me to accept others when their flaws are shown. When that's not how it should be at all. But at the same time, do I want to surround myself with the things I don't accept? And how are you supposed to balance it all? I hope that someday I will be able to do as Christ did with Mary and so many others and look past their sins, and see them for what they can become, and not for what they have done. I will always see the good when it is obvious, but when it's hidden by ones decisions it seams to me nearly impossible to find and then to forgive.
I am a little scared I won't know how to make everything right. That things will get out of hand with either my companions or investigators and I wont be able to fix it. And after that I will just have to be patient. Patient and rely on the Lords timing.
I am afraid I wont have it in me. I'm afraid that when the times get tough I'll want to sit down and cry. And I don't know if that's a bad thing, or if thats just something I don't want to do because Nick told me not to cry. But I am afraid I will need to cry, and I wont. And it'll all build up. So maybe I'll just let myself cry. Because I know what I am made of. And to be honest, I am made of a lot of tears.
But I am so excited to have something to give myself to. To know that everyday there will be an opportunity to have my Father say, "This is my daughter. In whom I am well pleased." Our Heavenly Father said this of his Only Begotten Son because of his teaching and perfecting of others, perfect life, and miraculous atonement. And because of Christ's atonement, everyday I can repent, turn away from my imperfections and I can teach my Chilean family that they can do the same. That they don't have to deal with their errors of yesterday forever. That they have a Father in Heaven, who loves them more then we can comprehend. And also that they have a Savior. And that because of Him, and His eternal sacrifice, we can say, "I'm trying" and mean it with everything we are, and it will always be enough.
I know that Christ and Heavenly Father live. Not that they lived. That they live, continuously. I know the resurrection is real, I know the atonement is the greatest blessing we have, and that through it we can always change for the better. I know my Father in Heaven loves me. I know he didn't want to leave me stranded with no guidance, so he sent Prophets to guide me towards Him. Prophets of old who are the writers of the scriptures; Bible, Book of Mormon, and Pearl of Great Price. I know these are the words of God through his Prophets. And living Prophets who guide me today. I know my Father in Heaven has a plan for me. And all that I do in this life is so I may return to Him on the Morning of the First resurrection. I know this gospel is true with every bone in my body. Never doubt. Always ask, but never doubt. ALL things will be made known in the Lords time.
I encourage you to pray. Ask if it is true.
It is, and He will testify to you all that you need to know.
You are so blessed.
Always remember that.
love,
the little sis.
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