something drastic.

have you ever just felt the need to do something drastic?

I don't think I have.

My whole life I have lived a very careful and planned life.

Although, I do love spontaneity.

After 21(almost 22) years, I think I'm sick of it.

My hair has been the same since before I can remember, the way I dress hasn't changed too much, I've lived in the same place, had the same friends, always danced etc. because I can't think of other examples.

I want to go more blonde and cut my hair to right below the shoulder. 

(not be a blonde, but add more to the ends)

For many years, I have wanted to go to Spain.

Before my mission I was applying for a study abroad there, 

and then came the age change, the very weekend I was to submit the application!

Obviously my plans were changed very quickly,

but I love for the culture, the language, and that type of experience never faded.

On my mission there was never a though of it, because... well, I was currently experiencing just that.

But then upon returning home, that yearning to live beyond Provo returned. 

My parents found it in Las Vegas,

both my sisters in San Diego,

my brother in New York, Australia and San Fransisco,

and I am still here.

Now I know, this is the cry of every college student:

 to escape school and to find adventure while you still can and to be wild and free after years of being a child.

and YES, I guess I can fit into that category. I do want to escape school, and find an adventure, and to just have a go at life on my own (not that I feel like a child though). 

But there is also more beyond that. I feel that as a human, I have been given skills and desires and perspectives that are innate, and the some that are completely cultural.

When I went to Chile, I was introduced to an entirely new world and the innate skills flourished, and was introduced to all new ones.

The people don't act like Americans, they don't eat like Americans, they don't speak the same language, they point out your flaws, they love americans but don't want anyone to know that (haha), they don't compliment like americans, they don't learn like americans, they don't communicate physically like americans. And beyond that, they do it even less similarly to a Mormon from Provo, UT, than an american. 

I learned so much from mi gente. Goodness I love Chile and the people and the experiences I had there. All that I learned and the person I became. That culture has molded me into more of the person I want to become. 

Provo has had it substantial amount of time to mold and teach me. 

And I feel that it is right to leave. 

But where to?

I have thought of Spain, California, Texas, and Hawaii. 
{maybe explaining this all makes me sound like a quitter, eh, we'll see}

Last summer I was so close to calling up a darling christian dance studio in Texas to ask if they needed/could use an extra teacher. Maybe just because it was on my mind, but I began to see everything Texas. License plates, people, accents, all the movies had cowboys and TEXAS big and proud, and 

I LOVED IT!

I don't know if it was from fear, or from certain conversations with people I trust, or the spirit, or whatever, but I didn't ever message them and went to school like a good girl.

Then California came to mind. To go to the Disney College internship program. I applied, and got a phone interview. Let me be clear on one thing, I didn't realize until they were about to call, that I had NO IDEA how to interview. I had never been interviewed. Anyway, good thing I did so poorly, because truly, what she was offering as their program was not at all what I had imagined or dreamed really. It didn't feel right, and maybe that, along with my lack of experience, is why I drew a complete blank to all of her questions.

Then came Hawaii. Strangest thing. One of my mission friends came into town from BYU Hawaii and I met a few other people going there. I began to look more into it, and then one of my best friends tells me she's been looking into it as well! If that wasn't more of a sign I don't know what is. So I begin my application. (keep in mind, this was during my hell-like semester) I didn't have much time for the application, and I wanted to do a great essay, so I did everything except the essay. Finals came and gone, and I was exhausted. I have never been so mentally physically and emotionally consumed. (I'd say on the mission, but I had some serious back up there)

And so I took a week to not do anything except for the required "work." 

Come May 2nd (the application deadline was the 1st) in the morning, I go wash my face and think, "I'll finish my application today!"

*insert smiling face here*

Then I checked the date.

GRRRRR....

And lately, I have been trying to read into things... hahah I know most people try to NOT do that, but you know, what the heck. So I took it as a sign, that since it did not once cross my mind before the date once I got out of classes, that it wasn't right. 

And then came SPAIN. One day, I was back with my same brain for Spain (hah). I had been speaking Spanish all I could, missing it like crazy, I had ready a book with a spaniard. This burning desire to go had been thumping hard since the last 3 attempts didn't work, and then I decided I wanted to move to Spain. Now this is a little more complicated because Europe is extremely dangerous right about now (my mama won't let me forget it) and I'd be completely alone, and well... those are the excuses I got, and they all were rubbish. (there's my Olivia coming through) so I looked at apartments, and e-mailed a few of them that were a reasonable price. I found a lovely dance studio and e-mailed them. And then doubt began. Is this really what you want? Or are you just tired of hard work and trying to run away? Are you sick of rejections and running away from those as well? 

ARE YOU RUNNING OR GOING? 

So I guess now, that is my question. If I determine that I am running, I guess I should probably stay and face my dragons. If i determine that I am going, then I'm going to go, no me importa lo que me digan. 

Honestly. I think I am doing both. I feel like I am going in order to learn from the Spaniards, to offer a different opinion, to get new opinions, to change depending on what I want, and not what this culture tells me. {don't be confused by when I say culture, I do not mean gospel-those are two very different influences} I feel like I could find a place there in Spain. In the church, in the community, in the culture, with the people.

But I also feel I may be running. I strongly dis-like school, and don't want to continue, but know {from culture, religion, revelation and home} that I need to finish. I love my job, but feel I could have greater potential inside me if only given the right opportunities {pared with hard work}, and so I feel slightly undervalued or maybe not undervalued, but more like I haven't found the right fit, so I'm wanting to run from that. Guys scare me. I want to have a relationship, and something that is real and lasting. I think that is one of the greatest desires I have, but boy oh boy does it terrify me. I am a take charge kind of girl, and so to have to sit back and chill after my "appropriate take charge measures" have been used up until Mr. so-and-so show/steps up, brings out the quitter/runner in me. 

So another question, is it bad to run if you're going somewhere?

food for thought...

xoxo

mandy