the silver lining.2

Hi there, I posted one of these in December of 2015 HERE  that was written in July of 2013. I then wrote a new one that I saved to be posted now 4 years later. There below lies my truest and most vulnerable self at that time. 

fears.version.dec.11.2015

I'm afraid I've become so independent that although I have strong desires to let people in, I don't know how, and that because of that I just won't. I'm also scared that other people can see that so they don't want to try to get close to me because it doesn't appear to be worth it.

I'm afraid I'll never let my own desires fully go to be who God wants me to be. I know his plans for me differ from my plans, and I don't fear that I will ever not listen or act on what he tells me. But I do fear that I will complain, and that I will always have tiny chip on my shoulder. 

I am afraid of saying something dumb in front of my family, or just kind of being me. Apparently social norms depict how I should be, and those are followed in my family. 

I just try to let the gospel depict the type of person I should be.

But there is more to it than just being good, there is also a 

social way to be, and I hate it.

I am afraid of being judged and rejected.

that's not a fun thing to admit.

Mostly, I am afraid of being rejected by the people who actually know me. If someone who doesn't know me rejects me, I couldn't care less. But when time has been taken and sincerity has been shown, I don't know how I would handle rejection. Maybe that is why I have gotten really good at being alone. You can't get rejected if you never put yourself out there. 

And every time I do put myself out there, I then give myself a pep talk about how little I care, just to protect myself. 

I'm afraid of what the future will bring.

I'm afraid my family won't like whomever ends up being my husband.

I'm afraid he'll ^ take his sweet time to find me.

I'm afraid he won't meet my expectations, but I'll know he's right for me.

or in other words, I'm afraid he'll be what I need, but not necessarily what I want. 

I'm afraid everything in life will be going well and I'll forget about the social norms/rules and be too "real" and ruin something. Or that I'll pretend to be something I'm not to get something I want, and then I'll be me and I'll lose it. 

I'm afraid because I don't actually know who I am, or who I want to be. 

and I'm afraid to find it before I find him.

that was never a fear of mine on my mission. I was so me then. 

where did that girl go?

just let it go. let it be.