Won't you be my neighbor?
Today I am going to be very candid, and hope that (as I believe it to be) this blog is as good as private. As all people do, I've got my fair share of issues, the ones I am currently referring to are emotional. I have been holding onto something for a very long time, and I know it's time to let it go, but I am not quite sure how, so here it goes.
When I was little, I idolized my older brother. He was handsome, talented, charming, smart and most of all, COOL. And he wanted all the same things for me. HOWEVER, I wasn't like him. In fact, I don't think a mother could have had 2 more different kids. It's not that I wasn't beautiful, or that I lacked talent, or smarts (I may have lacked a little charm) but our outlook on life was so unbelievably different for two kids raised in the same home only 19 months apart. Maybe it was the fact that I naturally lacked the cool factor that I didn't care for it, and maybe because it came so easily to him that he did care about it, but from the time we were very little, it was clear we would run in different circles.
For years I tried desperately to earn his approval and respect. I would make him food (sometimes even for his friends so I could hang out with them), I'd give him massages, I'd even try doing some of his chores. Most of all, I hung onto every word of advice he ever gave me, and he gave it.
Now don't get me wrong, this story may paint him to be a bad person, that is not the image I hope to give, he has a very keen eye, he saw how I wanted to be in with him and he told me all the ways I could change/improve/evolve to become that person. AND OH HOW I TRIED. Oh how I longed to be that girl who he wanted to introduce to his friends or that he would invite to hang out with. But just as I could never change to become that person, he couldn't receive me as I was.
From about 5th grade until only a few years ago, (and honestly, in certain ways to this day), I kept trying to fit myself into this mold. I wouldn't buy an article of clothing without his approval. I would ask him for outfit advice, and texting advice, and scheduling advice and dating advice. I asked him advice for everything and kept trying to be me while going down a path that would make him proud of me. I would only go on dates with and like boys who I thought he would approve of and yet, none of them EVER seemed to like me. I couldn't wrap my brain around it (hah).
Over time we got into a pattern of him fixing and tweaking and me forcing and trying, him giving advice and me feeling frustrated, that I couldn't stand to be around him. I longed for his approval, yet couldn't spend time with him. I felt I had failed and that I wasn't good enough, and only once I fit that mold would I succeed. I kept dreaming that maybe I would find a man, a perfect mix of our two worlds who would bring us together. One who would understand his world and love him, yet live in mine and love me. Someone like that just had to exist, didn't he?
Well, we both went on missions. Heck, I have a post on here HERE that shows that effort and desire. The pattern continued, me wanting to make him proud as a missionary (don't worry, this wasn't my motivation for going to a mission) and be the best I could, and him (never disappointed) but never acknowledging like I had always wanted. My dad always knew we had our differences and difficulties, and before I left he said, "when you two get back, you will be in the same stage of life and you will be the best of buddies, he will introduce you to his friends and you'll date them, and vice versa." Oh how I longed for that.
6 months before the end of my mission he had met his future wife. And let me just say they are so perfect for each other. However, I said something unnecessarily judgemental and riffed our relationship further. I returned in January and they were engaged in February. That dream of being buddies post-mission was gone and I again was crushed.
Over the next few years, I realized this pattern of disappointing myself and worked hard to let it go. I stopped asking for his opinion and help, and tried not to be offended when he offered it. But most of all, we just stopped talking. I didn't have to deal with it because I didn't have to communicate with him. I started thinking of what made me excited and decided to go for it.
I planned a trip to Madrid and well, if you don't know all about Madrid already, you need to go back about 5 posts. But it was MINE! My idea, my loves, my adventure, I didn't care what people at home thought, I didn't worry about anything except that I made sure to love every second and savor it. That experience really cleared my head and let me find the little pieces of me I had worked so hard to hide or change.
Days after I got home I met Jacob and he LOVED those little hidden pieces. He wasn't at ALL what I would have dated before. He didn't match at all the image that I had created in my head as a mix of me and my brother's worlds. And yet, I really liked him, and he really liked me. How could that be right? We fit together so well; we talked and understood each other. And I realized, I hadn't been looking for someone to make me happy that I could live my life with. I was looking for someone to be my brother's buddy who might give me the acceptance I had searched for forever. And that wasn't going to make me happy. So after overcoming that hurdle, I thought I was finally done with this pain, and for the most part, I was. I no longer yearned for his approval.
In fact, I may have swung so far in the opposite direction that I despised his opinion, because never once had what he offered brought me happiness. I was finally happy in my own skin, why wouldn't he stop trying to change me, why couldn't he just love me for what I was, or at least accept that I wasn't, and wouldn't be that girl.
It was still painful to spend time with him. I was still so sensitive to every comment and critique, though they were never a personal attack (at least never intentionally) it felt that way because of our history and my own sensitivity. His actions to manage his life started to control what we were allowed to do as a family to protect what he had built for himself.
Now I know this is getting to be a painfully long story, but bear with me.
When a major trial hit our family, though difficult, my husband and I did our best to be supportive and caring where we were able. Some of my other siblings were hesitant to do so and felt wronged. Now I do not want to get into this story at this time, but its mention is necessary. Where it is my view that when tragedy strikes, family should come together, my brother, who felt wronged, retrieved into his comfort of judgment and perfecting his own world. Instead of putting his arms around us and mourning with us, he withdrew, avoided, shared his judgments, and shamed.
With this, all the stitches I thought had healed over the years ripped apart, bigger than they were before and I have carried the burden since, not knowing how to heal it.
I tried hate, then I tried forgiveness, but because I had already had hate I liked it too much to forgive. I fell back into bad habits of yearning for his approval while avoiding him. Caring too much about stupid things and yearning for a tie to him all the while speaking negatively anytime his name was mentioned. In other words, I'm a mess.
Until today. We went and saw "A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood" (side note, this is a must-see movie for everyone with a pulse) With all that is written above circling around in my head Mr. Rogers shared these two lines that really hit home:
“Do you know what forgiveness means? It’s a decision we make to release a person from the feelings of anger we have against them.”
“It’s funny. Sometimes it’s hardest to forgive the ones we love.”
I realized I am tired of carrying a weight he isn't even aware of. I am tired of caring what he thinks of me or of the rest of our family. If he wants to isolate and be isolated, then that can be what he has, but it isn't my job to spend my time and anxiety trying to mend what isn't ready to be mended. I am going to stop clinging to a relationship that doesn't exist hoping it materializes. I am going to stop hating and justifying it. I have to decide to "release {him} from the feelings of anger {I} have against {him}"
And that's just the kicker, isn't it? It's a decision. I've known it all along, but now it is clear and I am out of excuses.
We choose to let go of that hate and anger, even though it feels good, and "release our feelings of anger against them."
When I was little, I idolized my older brother. He was handsome, talented, charming, smart and most of all, COOL. And he wanted all the same things for me. HOWEVER, I wasn't like him. In fact, I don't think a mother could have had 2 more different kids. It's not that I wasn't beautiful, or that I lacked talent, or smarts (I may have lacked a little charm) but our outlook on life was so unbelievably different for two kids raised in the same home only 19 months apart. Maybe it was the fact that I naturally lacked the cool factor that I didn't care for it, and maybe because it came so easily to him that he did care about it, but from the time we were very little, it was clear we would run in different circles.
For years I tried desperately to earn his approval and respect. I would make him food (sometimes even for his friends so I could hang out with them), I'd give him massages, I'd even try doing some of his chores. Most of all, I hung onto every word of advice he ever gave me, and he gave it.
Now don't get me wrong, this story may paint him to be a bad person, that is not the image I hope to give, he has a very keen eye, he saw how I wanted to be in with him and he told me all the ways I could change/improve/evolve to become that person. AND OH HOW I TRIED. Oh how I longed to be that girl who he wanted to introduce to his friends or that he would invite to hang out with. But just as I could never change to become that person, he couldn't receive me as I was.
From about 5th grade until only a few years ago, (and honestly, in certain ways to this day), I kept trying to fit myself into this mold. I wouldn't buy an article of clothing without his approval. I would ask him for outfit advice, and texting advice, and scheduling advice and dating advice. I asked him advice for everything and kept trying to be me while going down a path that would make him proud of me. I would only go on dates with and like boys who I thought he would approve of and yet, none of them EVER seemed to like me. I couldn't wrap my brain around it (hah).
Over time we got into a pattern of him fixing and tweaking and me forcing and trying, him giving advice and me feeling frustrated, that I couldn't stand to be around him. I longed for his approval, yet couldn't spend time with him. I felt I had failed and that I wasn't good enough, and only once I fit that mold would I succeed. I kept dreaming that maybe I would find a man, a perfect mix of our two worlds who would bring us together. One who would understand his world and love him, yet live in mine and love me. Someone like that just had to exist, didn't he?
Well, we both went on missions. Heck, I have a post on here HERE that shows that effort and desire. The pattern continued, me wanting to make him proud as a missionary (don't worry, this wasn't my motivation for going to a mission) and be the best I could, and him (never disappointed) but never acknowledging like I had always wanted. My dad always knew we had our differences and difficulties, and before I left he said, "when you two get back, you will be in the same stage of life and you will be the best of buddies, he will introduce you to his friends and you'll date them, and vice versa." Oh how I longed for that.
6 months before the end of my mission he had met his future wife. And let me just say they are so perfect for each other. However, I said something unnecessarily judgemental and riffed our relationship further. I returned in January and they were engaged in February. That dream of being buddies post-mission was gone and I again was crushed.
Over the next few years, I realized this pattern of disappointing myself and worked hard to let it go. I stopped asking for his opinion and help, and tried not to be offended when he offered it. But most of all, we just stopped talking. I didn't have to deal with it because I didn't have to communicate with him. I started thinking of what made me excited and decided to go for it.
I planned a trip to Madrid and well, if you don't know all about Madrid already, you need to go back about 5 posts. But it was MINE! My idea, my loves, my adventure, I didn't care what people at home thought, I didn't worry about anything except that I made sure to love every second and savor it. That experience really cleared my head and let me find the little pieces of me I had worked so hard to hide or change.
Days after I got home I met Jacob and he LOVED those little hidden pieces. He wasn't at ALL what I would have dated before. He didn't match at all the image that I had created in my head as a mix of me and my brother's worlds. And yet, I really liked him, and he really liked me. How could that be right? We fit together so well; we talked and understood each other. And I realized, I hadn't been looking for someone to make me happy that I could live my life with. I was looking for someone to be my brother's buddy who might give me the acceptance I had searched for forever. And that wasn't going to make me happy. So after overcoming that hurdle, I thought I was finally done with this pain, and for the most part, I was. I no longer yearned for his approval.
In fact, I may have swung so far in the opposite direction that I despised his opinion, because never once had what he offered brought me happiness. I was finally happy in my own skin, why wouldn't he stop trying to change me, why couldn't he just love me for what I was, or at least accept that I wasn't, and wouldn't be that girl.
It was still painful to spend time with him. I was still so sensitive to every comment and critique, though they were never a personal attack (at least never intentionally) it felt that way because of our history and my own sensitivity. His actions to manage his life started to control what we were allowed to do as a family to protect what he had built for himself.
Now I know this is getting to be a painfully long story, but bear with me.
When a major trial hit our family, though difficult, my husband and I did our best to be supportive and caring where we were able. Some of my other siblings were hesitant to do so and felt wronged. Now I do not want to get into this story at this time, but its mention is necessary. Where it is my view that when tragedy strikes, family should come together, my brother, who felt wronged, retrieved into his comfort of judgment and perfecting his own world. Instead of putting his arms around us and mourning with us, he withdrew, avoided, shared his judgments, and shamed.
With this, all the stitches I thought had healed over the years ripped apart, bigger than they were before and I have carried the burden since, not knowing how to heal it.
I tried hate, then I tried forgiveness, but because I had already had hate I liked it too much to forgive. I fell back into bad habits of yearning for his approval while avoiding him. Caring too much about stupid things and yearning for a tie to him all the while speaking negatively anytime his name was mentioned. In other words, I'm a mess.
Until today. We went and saw "A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood" (side note, this is a must-see movie for everyone with a pulse) With all that is written above circling around in my head Mr. Rogers shared these two lines that really hit home:
“Do you know what forgiveness means? It’s a decision we make to release a person from the feelings of anger we have against them.”
“It’s funny. Sometimes it’s hardest to forgive the ones we love.”
I realized I am tired of carrying a weight he isn't even aware of. I am tired of caring what he thinks of me or of the rest of our family. If he wants to isolate and be isolated, then that can be what he has, but it isn't my job to spend my time and anxiety trying to mend what isn't ready to be mended. I am going to stop clinging to a relationship that doesn't exist hoping it materializes. I am going to stop hating and justifying it. I have to decide to "release {him} from the feelings of anger {I} have against {him}"
And that's just the kicker, isn't it? It's a decision. I've known it all along, but now it is clear and I am out of excuses.
We choose to let go of that hate and anger, even though it feels good, and "release our feelings of anger against them."
xoxo
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