my mindful body 2.7

HONESTY

If I am to be honest, I have to go way back to where my feelings of inadequacy and then laziness started from. 

Back when I was I think 9 years old I was in dance class, and honestly, I loved it. I had classes with my cousin, and a dear friend. They were both a year older than me, and I had always wanted their approval. Toward the end of this year, my friend announced that she wasn't going to be dancing next year, and my cousin shortly after said the same. Not wanting to be the odd one out, I declared the same and convinced my mom it was what I wanted. 

Soon after I regretted my decision, I took a couple of classes at another studio to try to not get behind, but because it wasn't a set class, and because I took a step away, I was off. 

When the next years auditions rolled around, I made the same team I was on before, but all the girls I had danced with previously had moved up. I was devastated, because I realized this was my own fault. That first year, I worked as hard as I can remember, but the next year at auditions, I was in the same boat, I moved up a team, but it was basically a place for the "not quite there yet"s. That year I worked hard, but felt discouraged, the girls on the team were much older, and really didn't like me, they were really mean to me. Year after year this happened, and I didn't know if I should work harder, or if it just was never going to happen for me, a teenager can only take so much disappointment. 

Finally when I was 14-15 I made the same team again, after the director had talked to my close friend and I and said we'd get what we were working for. She moved up, and I didn't. This was my 4th or 5th year on the same team. I did it anyway, I worked so hard, and did great things, that year, everyone looked up to me on that team, and it was a great year. And then auditions rolled around, my peers who I'd worked so hard with for that year, again moved up, and I was left to sit on that team. 

(now to be honest, there was a lot in the background that I wasn't aware of at the time, that I am now that included money and time and a lot of other details)

If I thought I was devastated at 9, I had no idea what was coming. I felt so low.

At that point, I decided that if after 5 years I hadn't improved, then there was little else they could do for me. I decided I would just do dance at school. 

At my school, I was lucky enough to be on dance company with some of America's most talented and famous dancers, such as Jenna Johnson, Lindsey Arnold, Brooklyn Fullmer and others and FINALLY something clicked. I had never had the chance to dance with girls who were superior to me for an extended period of time and work with them, teach them, have them teach me etc. I never saw what I was lacking. Before we didn't film very often, and we didn't have instagram to show us the stars of today and finally during this time I was filming, watching and learning, and I ate it up. 

But those years from 9-16 left a mark and I shut myself off to reaching for my dreams. I had already decided that I would never be good enough to make it, so I worked just hard enough to be good enough and learned everything I could so I would be a great teacher. 

And that's where my mindset still lies. I work hard to be good enough but never hard enough to achieve my deepest dreams because "I already know I'll fail" and I don't know if I could take that again. 

So there is where I will start. I have to give up this notion, first, that I will fail always. Yes I will fail many time on the path, but that doesn't mean I'll never get there; and second, I have to let myself try! 

I have a long way to go, but I'm sick of myself, and wanting pity for my stupid sad story.